Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.