When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
This 4th of July, please remember…
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Something Saturday.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news