Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.