[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“what’s it like having a sister?”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.