me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
2022: I can fix it
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.