If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh