A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.