POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Twitter is an abusement park.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Whisper out to librarians!
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*