I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.