*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy