π
You Might Also Like
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Why should I trust my gut? My gut canβt even tell the difference between βIβm hungryβ and βIβm boredβ and thatβs literally its only job.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I wonβt be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
whole time I was thinking βhowβs Popeye gonna top this shitβ then this mf justs β
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Wife: Iβll bet you $100 you canβt go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
βI canβt eat all of that!β
… and other lies I tell
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’