Welcome to the stomach
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…