Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Catercrombie & Fish
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN