Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.