[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
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The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.