All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
You Might Also Like
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My time has come.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage