Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
somebody come look at this
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Probably my best painting.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick