In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
They did not miss in the small print
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)