4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh