In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
who will stop them
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.