I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
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@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December