Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
best review i’ve ever seen
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.