me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
nobody’s gonna understand
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire