Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My blood type is coffee.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.