Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
They got Raph!
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…