I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf