Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
one of
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT