Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in