judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hotels are back
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Not all heroes wear capes…
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.