F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
You Might Also Like
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination