wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.