confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator