I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
You Might Also Like
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Haha good job!!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.