How I like cutting carbs
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My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window