On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
*bites zombie*
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.