stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.