I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.