The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
At Walmart during the holidays like..
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.