At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
How long do you have to wait between naps?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.