One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
the clam before the storm
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Great Canadian literature.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.