[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You Might Also Like
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again