I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
this country is so goddamn polarized
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.