I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Thursday
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.