Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Before & after 😅
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
San Francisco has too many rules
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.