People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
sigh
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Going into Monday like
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned