Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Effort made
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
definitely did not do anything wrong
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6