*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.