About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
was Jim off killing horses or…
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Planet of the Apps.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.