All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
This meal prepping shit easy
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …