my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.